April 08, 2013
I’ll keep things short this time, because there is really no point in rambling too much.
If there is one thing that I learned today, it would be: You don’t break a person’s heart and say that you still care about them. Because if you really do care about them, that much, you wouldn’t hurt them in the first place.
I went out with my ex today, after a very long time of not spending good quality time together. He invited me over and we just spent the whole afternoon at this local coffee shop in our province.
We talked about everything and I asked him about the last time we talked too seriously and, well he damn cried.
It was 3 days before our high school graduation and we both skipped practice and I didn’t attend our last Student Council meeting. He broke up with me that night, with no particular concrete reason.
Today, I asked him about that night and told him how I felt and how I spent the whole night crying.
He told me that he was so unsure about college while I was making decisions. He was seeing my life progress and he felt that he wasn’t a part of it. So I started up with college without him.
And now, he had finally decided to enter college, after 4 years. But now, I am there with him.
February 27, 2013
There are times when I am drunk then I just decide to write everything that I am thinking about during my most vulnerable moment. And every time I try to read what I have written, all I can say is that what I have written came out to be one of my most honest compositions, to date.
That is why I write when I am drunk. I tend to forget about the restrictions and I just pour myself through written words, but I still wish that I can write decently without being drunk.
I wonder how that will feel.
February 22, 2013
There are some things that seem to be unclear to me, like how I understand people perfectly in the way that they want to be understood and how it doesn’t really work out for me the way that I wanted.
Thing is, I seem to understand their situation.
I try to feel okay whenever I am with them but I am can’t seem to find the right to be happy.
I really don’t talk that much because I am afraid to be judged according to what I say. I don’t judge people like that because, it is one of the many things that I don’t want them to do to me.
This week has been hell for me. It is not because of school or about my family, for both of which are pretty messed up - the last time I checked. Thing is, there are a lot of things that I am pretty much concerned about that I really don’t know that bothers me the most. And I have come to the point wherein I have no idea what problem gives me the mood that I am in right now.
I’ve been spending time alone, away from the rest of the people I know. And this goes with constant lying about me telling them that I am at school - studying, whereas I am actually spending my time at my place’s roof deck smoking and drinking beer.
I’ve been isolated and this what keeps me happy, but there is always this picture in my mind where I am happy together with the people I care about the most. It is a perfect scenario that I just can’t get out of my mind for a very long time now.
I just hope it happens soon.
February 12, 2013
I’ve been spending time away from school for the past few days because I don’t want to be constantly reminded of how miserable my life was before the last year ended. I am trying so hard to convince myself to be happy because there are a lot of things to be happy about and I was just not aware of them.
What makes me the most to appreciate what I am going through is knowing that people can relate and to some of them I serve to as an inspiration.
It is such an awful feeling to be in a depressed state and you are not able to talk to someone who have been through the same tough shit. Sometimes, I just want feel that someone is with me through the battle and I no longer have to go through it alone.
I never really seem to talk about it to other people because it is a private thing and I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable after they heard it. But when they come to ask me what the deal is, I just say it to them.
When come to realize how I am after being through all of this, they just tell me that I am different and people never come to appreciate that fact.
I am still trying hard to picture myself being happy and contented with the people who are with me. It is because I am used to being the one cheering them up. I tend to understand their situation more than they even try to comprehend mind. I guess that is how it goes nowadays.
This doesn’t make sense. I know that I was the one who brought all of these to myself and I have no other person to blame. I just want one person to tell me a way to be different that I can make sense.
I don’t know what to do exactly but I just seem to get a comfort from smoking. I know that it is a bad thing but it is something that takes my mind off of everything.
February 07, 2013
I always have the habit of writing at night, for it is when my thoughts go down in a proper manner, giving me the chance to write them down easily.
You see, I was never able to write to you for a very long time since I was spending time fixing my broken self in the midst of my struggles with school.
My boss at this publishing company where I am working at as an intern helps me to get through a lot of things. He also told me to stop smoking, since he saw me doing it during lunch breaks and that I am young and I should be living healthily.
I never really understood what he meant for he also smokes, and sometimes in front of me. It’s pretty much ironic but I am still trying to understand how could that be.
I was able to finish reading two manuscripts in two weeks, correct errors and submit them to the book editor, which happens to be my boss. I like how things go around the office actually. I just read manuscripts, correct errors, submit them for correction, check them again and then submit it for approval.
I don’t know why I am doing this because I never really liked correcting another person’s work, since I’m a pretty messed up writer myself.
Anyway, there are a lot of things that I want to share to you, like me doing community service at our school’s library earlier today.
You see, I am never really a good student for I commit minor offenses at school, about a couple of times. But spending time inside the library for community service isn’t torture at all.
I spent three hours stacking books and starting to read a book by Leo Tolstoy. I also met this cute girl who did community service with me. Her name is Pauline and we exchanged topics about a lot of things while stacking books. She also gave me her number and told me to call her some time.
My heart says, “No.”
I’m still trying to forget everything that happened and just for me to be honest, I haven’t totally moved on from my previous relationship, even though it ended for almost two years now.
I just need to fix myself. I really just have to.
January 23, 2013
I really wanted to say that things are starting to be okay, well at least for me. I tried to accept things as they are meant to be.
Nobody really talked to me about it, for the past few weeks. I’ve been trying to avoid the subject, because I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t blame them. It is something inside my system, pretending that things are okay even if they are pretty messed up.
I’ve been busy with something, though. I have been in the office, reading book manuscripts while editing them, because I recently got hired as an intern in this publishing firm and they’re also considering that I write my own book.
I rejected the idea, because I don’t know what I’ll write about, because my life is pretty messed up and people are so damn tired of reading sad stories of a protagonist struggling.
I’m trying to enjoy this new opportunity as much as I enjoy reading books and not really manuscripts because you always keep an eye on those errors or else you’ll get fired.
Well, thing is I am pretty much isolated. I don’t talk to anyone in the office except my boss who thinks that I am a lost teenager inside an office full of professional writers. He is nice, though.
Last night, I tried to write a few pages in between sessions of beer and smoking and I really cannot remember most of the things I did and wrote since I accidentally spilled beer on my paper and have to throw it instead.
Something is really wrong with me, and I happen not to know what it is.
January 12, 2013
I went to school today and it went pretty well. There weren’t that much people since it is raining and it made me feel really cold. Before I went to class, I passed by this small coffee shop near school and had a hot drink.
I waited by the hallway and saw this girl who was writing while listening to music. I’m trying not to be judgmental because I don’t like to be judged according to who I was before, but she is heavily pouring her emotions out.
I used to date a writer, and it went pretty well. There was this moment, though, that I really want to let go but it was too difficult. For me, she was the definition of perfect and there aren’t enough words to describe how she really was to me.
There was this moment that I really want to let go, but I can’t. There is something about her that I can’t put into words, which made me not to fall out of love easily.
Whenever she spoke to me, her words were retained in my memory and those words were similar what I was bound to say. Perhaps, our minds were entwined with each other to the point that, our thoughts were exactly the same.
We had an exchange of melancholy, through a battle of words and I remembered everything. That is why I never really planned to date a writer again.
I wonder if that girl is okay, but I never really had the courage to ask, for she is a writer. I don’t want to fall.
And that was that.
January 09, 2013
Since the last time I wrote to you, I have been going to school and things aren’t the same anymore.
I’m starting to believe that things are going to be okay, in time. But I really just can’t deny the fact that some people will drift away from our lives no matter hard we try for them to stay. People just come and go.
I’m glad for what happened yesterday, even if those decisions were spontaneous, but they were all made for fun. I’m glad that I still got friends who really believe in me and stick with me, especially through the tough times.
I’ve been spending time with my friends from the other side of school. And if I’m being honest, I really missed them, a lot. Being with them meant so much to me and I’m grateful for being with them, when I had the chance.
I drank my heart out, well at least I tried to shake some of the stress off. It’s my way of avoiding pain, even if it is everywhere. It’s with everyone.
I know I swore to my brother that I won’t smoke ever, but I really just have to. I really just feel bad and I’m having second-thoughts about school, again.
“Can I have a cigarette?” I asked my friend.
“Sure,” she responded. Then she got my talking about what’s going on lately and I just responded.
When I lit the cigarette, I did cough, but after that, it was just soothing. I know that somehow it’s bad, in the most health class way of talking, but it’s true. I just focused on smoking, and just had another one when we were walking out.
Somehow, I felt relieved, but I know that the next day, things will be back to how I left them.
When I got home, I smoked a few and never really stopped instantly. And then I began to be dizzy and feel nauseous. That’s when I decided to write this down and just sleep the night away.
I wish I can be okay again. I really do.
January 6, 2012
It’s the first day of school tomorrow and I’m really afraid of going, but no matter what happens, though, I am ready to accept things.
Well, today is the last day of the holiday vacation and I pretty much spent it with my older brother. We had a drive out of town, where there is nothing else to see but trees and mountains, and lots of trees. It’s too far away from town and I can’t really say how far because I slept during the trip, while he was driving.
He drove us to this classic old diner and he told me to wait for him. He took a while, so I decided to smoke inside the car. It was too cold that time so I didn’t mind to pull the windows down.
I guess I smoked a lot because I was never mindful of my surroundings that time. It’s a volatile mix of the alcohol inside my system and the smoke filling up the car.
I realized that my brother was outside the car when I heard a knock. He saw me smoking, again. He was pretty mad at me.
He told me to stop smoking and that he’ll tell mom about it, but I told him that he wouldn’t tell her and he knows why. I started laughing.
Then he started to laugh, too.
It was a good thing that I spent the whole day with him, and how this day helped me clear things inside my head.
I wish tomorrow will be much better.
January 5, 2013
It is rather unusual for me to write to you two times today, and I hope I am not bothering you with what I have inside my mind. I really don’t want to write to you but I know that you’re the only one who will listen.
There is this feeling inside me that I just want to take myself away from everyone and just let them take the course of their lives on their own. There is this constant reminder inside my head that I should just let go, but somehow I have never been okay with the idea.
I tried smoking again now, but I coughed the hell out of me, so I stopped. I just drank beer, and for a moment there I felt okay again.
You have no idea, of what I feel about you and how much I care about you. You are both amazing and beautiful. You can never really imagine how you can make me happy, and how much you make me feel alive. I always get this weird smile on my face whenever you look at me the way that you do. There’s always this weird tingly feeling inside of me whenever we talk and you really have no idea how I feel whenever you kiss me.
January 4, 2013
I really am not that much excited with the thought of the upcoming first day of classes. For the past few days, I’ve been thinking of transferring, and I have already settled my school clearance. Nobody really knows, yet. I never really told anyone.
I really don’t feel well, and I’m afraid that I might get bad again. All of the pressure in me made me feel to start smoking, and so I did, but I never really liked it so I stopped. My brother told me that smoking kills and I really don’t think he meant what he said because he smokes, too.
I went out to eat dinner alone at McDonald’s, and it just made me feel sadder. And sometimes, I really just wonder if I’m really fucked up inside or I just do things that make me feel the way I am right now.
I hope one day, all things will be clear.