Today has been another struggle for the both of us and my mind is pretty much full of thoughts about you and how to make you feel okay again.

I am weird and too spontaneous; and I always seem to be that person who displays affection even if there are too many people. You can never really blame me for being like this; but it’s not your fault, too. Actually, what you said to me today got me thinking. Do I still want you in my life?

Thing is, I have no idea why we are both keeping up with this. It just seems that we are both comfortable having each other and we never really minded what other people say about us. We got too comfortable and I started to feel something different. I expected too much.

You never did promise me anything, not even a solid relationship - and I respect that. I don’t want to rush you or worse, change you. Because I know who you really are. I know you, all too well.

One thing is for sure, though - that I know for a fact that no matter how this thing ends between us - I’ll never be alone anymore.

Birthday!

I went out with my ex today, after a very long time of not spending good quality time together. He invited me over and we just spent the whole afternoon at this local coffee shop in our province.

We talked about everything and I asked him about the last time we talked too seriously and, well he damn cried.

It was 3 days before our high school graduation and we both skipped practice and I didn’t attend our last Student Council meeting. He broke up with me that night, with no particular concrete reason.

Today, I asked him about that night and told him how I felt and how I spent the whole night crying.

He told me that he was so unsure about college while I was making decisions. He was seeing my life progress and he felt that he wasn’t a part of it. So I started up with college without him.

And now, he had finally decided to enter college, after 4 years. But now, I am there with him.

To the One Who Holds My Heart

I miss you. It has been a while since we talked last. Those nights where we just battle out our sleepiness just so we can each other’s voices over the telephone. The long conversations on Facebook, the lunch dates at our favorite place and lazy afternoons spent at coffee shops.

You don’t know how blessed I am to have you walk into my life. You’re one of those people who I cherish the most, even if we don’t get to be together most of the time. What matters most is that we get to spend time together, even if those were the shortest moments, for me those will last a lifetime.

I am happy to be with you. You’re the reason of my happiness after a long and tiring day. You complete me.

Remember the first time we met, we just took a glance and said each other’s names. That is one of the most memorable days of my life so far. For the record, I am glad it all happened. At that moment, your name is what I mention all day long and I always waited for the next time we’ll meet.

When I am with you, there is a cycle of pop songs playing inside my head something like, “I want you to want me,” or “I’m crazy for you.” All I know is that, I am only me when I am with you. I feel comfortable.

You never seem to talk a lot, and that made me not know some stuff about you, especially the great ones. Once I found out all of those great things that you did before, it made me happy. Just so you know, I am proud of you, for whatever you gained or loss.

I really miss you. I just wanted you to know that.

You’re the reason of my happiness - you keep my worries away. You give me the assurance that everything will be okay, and that everything will be worthwhile. You taught me that good things come to those who wait.

I am sorry if I rushed things, extended fantasies and all of the things that I did which made you unhappy.

Please, be with me again.

The were days where you send me good morning messages, those lengthy messages that I don’t mind reading at all, even if I am rushing against the world - and the good night messages that give me the assurance that I end my day right.

I admit, sometimes I get jealous whenever some people are with you and that there are a lot of people who show affection to you as well. It’s like a long damn competition.

Every night, I wish I really can call you mine and that we’ll be together, forever. Until next time, then.

Every year, I have an empty jar and just fill it with papers with stuff written on them. I write down every good stuff that happened to me that year, and as for 2012, I already have 57 awesome stuff that took place.

So that before I end my year, on new year’s eve, I get to read all of them and just be reminded of all of the good things that God has given me, for me to realize how I am loved and why I deserve to be happy.

Secrets that I never got to put up

I decided, and not due to the intense volume of alcohol in my system right now, but it is because what I am about to say is due.

For the third time, I’ll post it here. I’m BI. Okay.

So a lot of you are asking about my life, the past hidden. I never really got to mention all of the details and some information that I just decided to somehow discard but never really got to.

1st Relationship - A guy. A high school sweetheart. Yeah, I never really got to mention him here or give him the space that he needs on my diary.

For the name, you don’t really have to know. All you have to know that, he is my first.

With him, I enjoyed high school. Everything. He showed me how to ditch late night studying and just settle for a few bottles and have them by the shore.

He taught me how to live. With him, I learned how to love and how to really feel it.

My first kiss.

2nd Relationship - A girl. The longest relationship that I had so far. 3 years, gone to waste. With her, I learned the essence of sacrifice, the importance of time and how every little thing matters.

She taught me how to straighten things up. She never really did anything. She just inspired me the most.

She also did the most damage.

3rd Relationship - A girl. 2 months. Never really got to know her that much.

Second on the list. My family. Dysfunctional relationship between my dad and mom forced to a very troublesome childhood. Full of trauma, hate and depression. Never did I conquer all of these, even up to now.

Third, I am so screwed up. Even if I look motivated most of the time, I really don’t know what I am doing. That is why I tumble from here and there from time to time. Mistakes, they made me stronger. Somehow, I did hurt a lot of people along the way.

Last, eveything is on my blog. Like everything. If you just take time to read, you can fine everything here. Just take time.

Tough Shit

I don’t know what’s going on with my bestfriend. He doesn’t want to talk to me all of a sudden. I am seriously clueless of what I did wrong and if I ever find out, I am willing to compromise.

Ang hirap lang kasi. I really want to talk to him, pero wala talaga. He just negates and charges away. I am not used to seeing him quiet.

I am so frustrated. Akala ko okay na kami. Kasi after the event, ayos naman. Bigla na lang siyang tahimik nung Friday tapos ako, I was so pumped up. Hyper, as usual.

So yeah, this will be it for now. Nothing much to say dahil hindi rin siya nagsasabi even if I ask. All that I know is that, ayaw niya akong kausapin. Sabi na rin ng isa ko pang kaibigan.

Tough shit.

I’m not good enough, don’t rub it on my face. Screw this.

Yung feeling na thoughtful and caring pa din siya sa’yo kahit friends na lang kayo. :)

Hey.

Still clueless on this shit that I am going through. More than one year na Roi, just let her go. Please.

I still can’t. Tough shit. 

Kakatapos lang ng finals week namin sa Mapua. Para sa akin, last week pa ako natapos sa lahat ng requirements ko.

Minsan lang ako nakaranas ng apat na gabi akong walang tulog. As in, kung may tulog man, idlip lang. Yung tipong 10 minutes. Yun yung mga times na nasa CSC office ako at wala pang tao para sa meeting namin.

Tapos tambak pa kami ng school activities nung nakaraan. Ang Fresh U Summit ng Colgate and Rock Ed Philippines and Induction of Officers.

Ngayon, relax na lang, pero hindi rin ako mapakali. Sa Sunday na online viewing of grades e. Sana pasado ako sa lahat ng subjects. Sana lang talaga.

Okay, share.